Grief: It may seem natural, but it’s a journey

Research shows that grief and the ensuing loneliness impact elderly people differently. 

“Although grief is natural, normal, and necessary it can feel more like a journey than anything else,” said Nicole Barnes, the program manager of the “Growing Through Grief” program at Park Nicollet Home and Community Services. “It is so unique for each individual, ever-changing as we search for a new normal and without a timeline or predictability.  Grief can be complicated and is inclusive of our whole being.  Anyone who loves – grieves,” she added.

Britta Ruff, Support Services Manager and Bereavement Coordinator for Adoray Home Health and Hospice, described grief: “The five stages of grief helped give people language surrounding what can occur during grief, yet it has been found that grief is not a linear process of going through stages. How one person experiences grief is unique to that individual. A person may experience various traits of different stages in no particular order or miss stages all together.”

Not alone

Help can come through simple conversations

Opening a conversation with someone who is grieving allows one to listen to their memories of friends and family members, or even of places, past. Acknowledge their loss and let them experience their grief at their own pace. 

Barnes described how she would help a friend suffering from grief: “I am here for you whether you need someone to listen, validate, distract or just be present – you are not alone.”  

These conversations may bring forth the sadness they feel, but it will also allow them to remember and hold onto some of the happiest memories they have. 

Ruff believes grief and pain are normal responses to loss. But it’s more complicated.

“Our society tends to want to ‘fix’ grief, yet grief is not something that can be fixed. No matter what words are shared we cannot change the source of the pain. We cannot bring back a loved one who has passed, change a new diagnosis, or the loss of independence when it’s no longer safe to live alone. To help a friend or loved one who is grieving is not trying to take away their pain by telling them platitudes such as ‘well at least you had them as long as you did’ or ‘at least you were able to live at home for as long as you did.’ We can support grievers by acknowledging the significance of what that loss means to them and be present to their experience. Acknowledging that their pain is valid and letting them speak truth to their pain.”

Direct measures

Providing space for those grieving is also important.

Always try to be aware when people need time to themselves. 

The following are some measures that can be taken to help friends: 

• Help out with daily stressors, such as cleaning, making meals or running errands.

• Make a scrapbook of photos of their lost loved ones.

• Check on people enough so that you’re sure that they’re safe, but don’t smother them with additional love and pity. That may make them feel worse. 

“Finding grief friends or a community that has similar experiences can bring support that sometimes cannot be found in other places. Feeling connected and safe is so very important to finding hope and healing,” Barnes said.

“Groups can be helpful for grievers by making connections and surrounding themselves with people who have experienced similar losses” Ruff said. “Grievers find that not only what they are experiencing is normal, but they are not alone.”

Ruff added, “As a society we tend to offer our condolences and say, ‘let me know if you need anything.’ Yet someone who is grieving may not have the mental bandwidth to know what they need as they are consumed by their grief.  Family can help the griever by offering assistance with concrete tasks. Such as ‘I am going to come and clean your house on this day, would that be ok?’ By giving them concrete choices, you take the pressure off of coming up with a task while giving the griever the luxury to be able to grieve.”

Time is inconsequential at times to those grieving, but it’s important while working through the stages of grief.

“There is no timetable to grief,” Ruff said. “When we experience a loss, time is needed to process the loss, but we may never be done grieving. Over time we adjust to life after loss and learn how to handle the waves of grief as they come.”